I have had a few things on my mind this summer and I’ve decided to let it all out – I spent 3 years doubting the path that God had me on because attending university wasn’t in sight even when people believed it was the only way I could make a future; I had dreams upon dreams but never knew what to pursue. I was walking blindly chasing passions, yet not knowing what would come of it. What happened when I let go? God took the lead, He opened my heart and mind to new ideas and directions and used my open heart to meet new people and take risks I wouldn’t normally take. I just started a job in full time ministry which is exciting and I’m ready – but along with having an open heart to the exciting part of change, my heart is also wide open to the pain of change and let me tell you – it. is. there. I’ve moved away from my loved ones once before, came back to spend the summer in Africa, travel and work at kanakuk and here I am again, leaving to go on a grand, God given adventure – joyfully heart broken. I love places and people fiercely, which causes great distress with thinking of leaving again. I usually find myself rushing through the days trying to see as many people as I can and at the end of the day feeling heartbroken because I don’t get to do this forever, and sometimes I just flat out miss being home, in my parents presence and at rest. Then I sit back and realize that God gave me these people. He gave me this life and living off of the devastating feeling of nostalgia is as though I’m not trusting the God who named every star that He placed with His own hands, to continue blessing my life. I refuse to believe that taking the next step in life is heartbreaking but rather a step in allowing God to cultivate those relationships as we grow as His children into something even more beautiful. I have also grown to realize that everyday is planned and none of it is in my control, but the only thing I can do is obey. I can chase the desires God has and when a door is open I need to joyfully run through it. A part of letting go is questioning what is right and what is wrong but I’m quickly learning that this whole path God has us on isn’t about answers, it’s solely about trust and allowing God to run your world rather than you. Lets be real though sometimes it’s blah and sucks, but every step feels like an uncovering of what’s to come and it slowly unravels the mess we feel so trapped in.
For those of you who just jumped into a new season, whether it’s college, moving to a new city to start your first “big boy/girl” job, or going off to a third world country to humbly serve – you’re doing the right thing. You will be okay. You don’t know the answers so embrace the questions. You are going to kick butt even though you may not believe it.
So, take the risk, be all in, fight hard for what you want, make people feel genuinely loved in this crazy world and allow yourself to grow. People are their most beautiful self when they’re chasing their dreams, chase hard and do not settle.
I realize that I’m rambling but I think all that I’m trying to get at is that if you’ve played a role in my life in Missouri or Arkansas or anywhere in between that has been home to me, know that my heart beats a little harder when I think of you. I feel this deep tie to those who have played a role in my life and yes, nostalgia will always be my enemy but I secretly love it because it humbles me to realize I am who I am because of the people who took the time of day to love me well. Those of you who did that and are currently doing that, you breathe life into me and you show me how to love others. I love y’all like crazy.