Lately I’ve had this extremely overwhelming feeling of guilt in my life. The kind that makes you ache 100% of the day and the only explanation I can give for it is that the path in life I’m on is so different from a lot of people my age. It’s scary and difficult sometimes because it hinders friendships, causes trust issues for people in my life and makes the person I am seem flakey and wavering. Living with that on my back has been burdensome to the point of making myself doubt every motive I have and makes me want to give up on pursuing things I feel called to. I have days where I don’t want to do anything but distract myself by going non-stop, watching Grey’s Anatomy and avoiding responsibility by goofing off doing fun stuff and then there are days where all I can do is sit and try and figure out the chaos that is my life.
I struggle with the idea of planting roots, the thought of settling in one place truly scares me more than anything. I fear that if I settle I will miss out on all that life has to offer because the thing that makes my soul soar is seeing new places, learning about different cultures, meeting new people and taking photos. With my brain constantly in a dream state, I get how I look a certain way that keeps me at an arms distance for most people. I struggle deeply with the idea of being rooted and I have accepted that and tried very hard to grow away from it.
But Today, sitting at my favorite coffee shop in all of the world in the middle of Austin, Texas – a place I just moved back to but frankly don’t know if I will be in for long, I realized this – not only is this part of my life straight up sin, my roots need to be nowhere in this world and the only place that they belong is in Jesus. ONLY in Jesus. If he has given me a heart that would rather have wings than roots, that is okay. It is more than okay, it’s beautiful because it is Him. I promise each and everyone of you, especially those of you that I love the most and have been affected by this life, that yes, I may seem to always be in a different place but you mean the whole world to me. You give me love when I deserve it the least and support me when it’s the most difficult thing to do.
My life isn’t mine, this world that I wish to explore isn’t mine and this heart I’ve been graciously blessed with isn’t mine – so I wish to never live as though I’m in charge of any of it therefore I want to be known as a follower of Christ. I want to trek this world chasing firmly after Jesus; whether that’s to far away places or eventually planting roots and calling a place home for many years – I refuse to waiver from Him. Growth doesn’t require being planted, it only requires the willingness to learn, to be humbled and an open heart.
For the few of you out there who find the idea of rooting themselves to a place debilitating in this season of life, it’s okay. Don’t let the false feeling of guilt hinder you from following your calling and don’t let sin lead you through your life.
“My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you’ve been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live Him. You’re deeply rooted in Him. You’re well constructed upon Him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you’ve been taught. School’s out; quit studying the subject and start – living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.” – Colossians 2:7-9 MSG